As promised, here’s your answer to yesterday’s modern dilemma:
Literary history is dotted with tales of male sexual jealously. Shakespeare, Proust, Bellow, Hornby – it’s hard to think of a writer who hasn’t made a quick buck from male sexual inadequacy.
Still, while social insecurities might be as old as time itself, there’s no reason to think they’re inevitable. The key to beating them is to change your perception of the situation.
As humans, we often arrive at a situation expecting a certain outcome. When this happens, we have a remarkable talent for making the facts fit our thesis.
Take Derren Brown’s example of the faith-healing Christian pastor:
The pastor believes in a God who can heal all ailments. Without knowing it, he allows his belief to influence his perception of the world. The pastor falls into a trap of circular belief: remembering those prayers that have been answered and forgetting those that hadn’t – or even convincing himself they’d been answered in a less obvious way.
Jealousy works in much the same way. We allow our niggling doubts to frame the way we look at the world. Soon, we find ourselves unconsciously approaching every social situation looking for proof of our own limp hypothesis.
So she has 700 friends – so what? Consider your own friends list for a minute: honestly – how many of those people are genuine sexual prospects? 5%? Maybe 10% at most?
Chances are the bulk of your friends list is the typical rag-tag bunch of expired co-workers, old school friends and cringe-inducing trendy uncles. Why should hers be any different?
Let’s re-evaluate the situation: if she’s so utterly content with her social life, why should she have taken the time to add you? There must be something that you have that the other 700 don’t. Now work out what it is and use it shamelessly to your advantage.
Our insecurities don’t just thrive on circular logic – they’re built on circular logic. Once we realise this, it’s easy to break them down.
